Schmendricks Handsome Journalfish.

My head is banging.

Wed, 09 Aug 2006 02:43:59 GMT

Well its time for my periodicaly spontanious livejournal entry. Truth is i come to this website to keep up with other peoples lives and not visa-versa, but tonight, I'm feeling extra vulnerable.

My head is killing me, and i want a cigarette more then anything in the entire world. Its the stress of having ex's within 30 miles of me, and the stress of just comming out of a stressful and confusing situation. and its my period.

My uterus wants a cigarette.

but truth is its been two weeks since i've had one, and i feel i would be a complete asshole to start again just because im weak one lonley tuesday night.

I don't even know why im lonley.

This reminds me of when i was in high school and Sarajean told Tabitha if she was ever feeling like she needed to be deviant....she should look in the mirror and ask herself "Am I Lonley, Hungry, Angry, or Tired?"
For some reason any discontent feeling could somehow be narrowed down to these four basic things.

Im lonley i think, but only 75%.
The other 25% is Angry because im lonley and my head hurts.

On a lighter note, i just got back from West Virginia with my Molloy friends running a day camp for girls. It reminded me of the old days when we all used to hop in a big van and head off to habitat or sarnelli house and goof off in the van and the whole week even, but with an inner sense of accomplishment because we were completing a mission.
thats exactly what it felt like, but the only thing is whenever i come back from these things, they feel like this dream I had. It was like i told all my stories as soon as I got home, and now the trip doesn't exist anymore.

It only exists in goofy pictures taken by disturbed campers.

I think im going to look up the camp leader on myspace.

well that was rambly. Time to pop excedrin and call it an evening.

iPods rock.

Sat, 08 Oct 2005 14:54:20 GMT

Im at work by myself and its beginning to get creepy. Theres no clinician and no patients today so im stuck here sitting around for 4 hours alone seeing if supply visits come in.

now the CREEPY part of that is that the phone keeps ringing and hanging up. its like something out of Scream. But the difference is that Planned Parenthood has bullet proof windows and video cameras everywhere. That and nobody can come in without comming through me first.
I alone hold the power to buzz the murderer people in.

Another thing im doing is playing with my iPod while im here. Its my new favorite toy, and I can set it through radio transmitter so i put it through my work radio and its AMAZING. Although its going to run out of battery in like 20 min.

well im gonna do homework like I was was going to do when i got here.

Like a kid loves candy and fresh snow.

Fri, 07 Oct 2005 02:59:53 GMT

Steve prompted me to write this. he is amazing. and i miss him even if he thinks Robins birthday is more important then mine =)

Its late in the evening and i just picked up another novel to read. I think i've read it before but its been like 10 years and i have no money and i cant find overdue library books so fuck it all.

With all this work and school and interning its hard to find social time. But I also find my phone is empty because i've only designated weekends for friends. What I want to do really is for people to call me sometimes and take me out for coffee during the week. Specifially Christina and Allie, and Jessica whom I have not seen in ages. These people i miss. I remember summers where i would spend all sorts of hours private joking and beaching and things. I know it changes with work, but although we are all broke who said we cant still have fun?

I remember idealizing my aunt and how she has 2 kids, runs her own buisness, and still enjoys life somehow. Why cant I do that? I remember thinking this and i dont want to drop this thought and lose it as things get busy. Why cant I have a scrabble night? Why can't I go Roller Blading, why cant i enjoy all different aspects of life differently. I should be journaling this privatly now that I think about it......I write enough at school to make me want to chop off my left hand though.

I have my Mysticism class tomorrow and boy oh boy does that suck. This Prof. wants to convert us all to Christianity and hes pulling all the stops. I dont know what to call myself anymore, but I dont need a conversion I need some good old fashioned education on all different religions and the mytics involved.

=) Linda's birthday is comming ladies and gents. 21 yes indeed. Nov 1st. Write it down.

and CHRISTINA'S B-DAY is even sooner. I have bought a Pony and Goodiebags for the occassion.YESSSSS.

Volcanos melt you down

Sun, 02 Oct 2005 14:16:23 GMT

Hey journal.

I've wanted to write in here for days. the whole week probably. Its been a good week, I planned the Social Work Club, did all my required stuff like Internship, Work, and School. Stressed out, calmed down, saw my marianne. saw my allie and my christina. Really in theory its been a beautiful week. I've had great discussions, used my brains. I guess all and all im happy about what im doing. Im happy about my friends (although I wish i had more time for them)and im happy about my life

Sometimes my relationship makes me insecure, like i need some abnormal amount of love and affection, im trying to determine if its abnormal, or if im totally right about it. I think he needs to talk to someone more then me. Its a man thing not to express feelings i think. I know i get needy when im not feeling loved. Like theres something missing. A void that i dont understand enough to verbalize correctly. So i scramble to fill it.... but it makes me nervous that by me trying so hard it might be even harder to solve this problem o mine.

That feels a little better.

Anyways today im hanging with Miss Allie and Miss Christina. The true loves of my life. Oh happy sunday.

I need to focus less on this relationship and more on things which truely give me enjoyment....like.....cheesecake. Its true you very rarely see a man write about his feelings on some internet journal. But I'd rather be a woman anyways, because seriously by getting it out I have the opertunity to feel better and better each day by beginning to understand how my brain works in situations.

I subject people to journal entries like this constantly. i have to start writing on my happy days, people are going to start to think i need to be institutionalized.

Love,
crazy Linda.

Tranquilo.

Fri, 12 Aug 2005 15:34:30 GMT

A little better today, after talking to my Christinapants and sleeping for about 11 hours......i feel not 100 percent but a little better.

holy crap, my hamster is having a bad dream and screaming in his sleep.

must tend to hamster.

Linda.

My room is a mess, and i refuse to think about it.

Fri, 12 Aug 2005 00:10:14 GMT

Hello mr Livejournallypants.

I called a bunch of people tonight, im seemingly a little stressed out and depressed like.....nobody was there, the only one I didnt call is Allie, only because im going to see her tomorrow and i think she said she had something to do tonight.

where'd all my friends go? I have no idea. Except Tabitha, shes in Shirley, and no offense to her, but shes not much of a listener. And John just went upstate......god. i hate this feeling. It only comes about once in a while, but its very disheartening......i spend all day reminding myself that no matter how stressed i feel i should not let it get me down for days on end. its hard though, i could write a list of the crap i've had to do all week, arranging schedules, going to meetings, changing hours, calling 38756345 places so i can get all my crap in order before school starts.

so heres the icing on the cake......I went to the city today (its been a long week, i had to reschedule this thing like twice already).....i had little to no sleep cuz me and John were watching a movie till 1am.
SOOOO i go to get fingerprinted, and the lady tells me im only getting the paper which allows me to get fingerprinted, meaning i have to now to out to brentwood at some point and do that.

I come back to my car in bethpage and theres a parking ticket on it

My cankersore hurts like a bitch all day

then john leaves, and instead of venting with him i end up falling asleep on him the 2 hours before he leaves

I get home, and my father tells me we are getting another cat. (only those who know me will know the true horror of this).

so I start sobbing my little eyes out, i call the world again, John picks up, conforts me for 10 seconds before he has to go......

i know it doesnt sound that bad.....its been the week from hell though, and today was the cherry on top.

jesus christ. Im going to smoke a cigarette or something.

Pourque?

Wed, 10 Aug 2005 05:52:30 GMT

So i have this super idiot aquaintance from SB that i never talk to. I get a link from him in my AIM which sends me to craigs list and it reads:

"This studly geek wants to unleash the anaconda in your melon patch! I'll go down and mine your diamonds too! I need to be spanked because I have been such a naughty boy. :) Get back at me bishes!"

unleash the anaconda on my melon patch? i dont think he'll get any takers. Specifically from girls who know who he is.

4 daysssss

Tue, 26 Jul 2005 21:42:01 GMT

I heart spain.....but im sick of this spanish shit. Somebody leave me a message in english.

Home soon!!!
Much Love
Linda

HOLA from SPAIN!!!

Fri, 15 Jul 2005 18:20:35 GMT

I MISS HOME!!!!!

I love you all.

enriching the staff.

Fri, 10 Jun 2005 20:41:19 GMT

so yea staff enrichment and it rocked. I get paid to fuck aorund and eat all day. fuck yea. it gave me a lot of pride in our cause and really, i discovered that we are one of the better planned parenthoods around, and how very awesome our administration is. In comparison to other places, we rock better.

i really have nothing to write......im feeling....overwhellmed. its one thing to have 10,000 things going on at once, its another trying to balance them in your head and write about them.

Im going to try to quit smoking tomorrow for the 25,000th time. Christina will be support. yea.
i think it may work out, i mean, i've not been enjoying smoking as much as usual. its fun, but i've been sick twice this year which is never a good sign considering im a healthy person in general.

SPAIN> and i know NO spanish at all. less then a month and i will be uprooted and thrown into a culture and country i have no clue about. fuck yea x 2.

I have a lot going on in my head emotionally. a lot of insecuruties i need to work out. a lot of confusion. I keep putting off emotional damage repair till after spain. I think thats the best plan. I've been feeling fine, i just dont know what to do with all this "ok" feeling in my head.

so thats my entry. like it or not.

ps. God damn America sucks. This old woman was wearing a "good bush" (Marajuana plant), Bad Bush (pic of President) shirt and she rocks.

delerious.

Fri, 03 Jun 2005 14:42:45 GMT

well....i woke up and always when you wake up and your sick you feel the worst. SO i downed like 2 cold medications and some cough syrup and now i just feel high. Damn drugs.
SO i ate something hoping it would help me feel less on drugs and it has not helped.
Damn this cold. I wish it would go away, so i could go back to the gym and back to being me.

In other news.....John is in NC....the end of an era(?) who knows. All i know is that I care about him too much and i hope he finds his happy medium. I know hes in good hands at least. My aunt rocks socks.

Boston tomorrow WOOT WOOT.

well im gonna go lay down.

Linda

Hamsters are hot.

Fri, 20 May 2005 03:47:38 GMT

well, unsure why im writing in here other then to say that school is over and it is sooooo good to hear it.

that and my moooood: its been so up and down. its like im sure of myself and happy one minute, then im depressed and in deep thought the next. Its confusion, its insecurity, its just me trying to stabilize. Funny that its taking me so long to level out, life has been so crazy im just trying to seek out some direction in where I want to go with who I am.
Confusing? yes.

basic summary, im suddenly trying to be a good friend, a good employee, a good student, and still maintain my spontinuity. I'm trying to be more assertive, think more on my feet, feel more secure in my beliefs and basically be the outgoing kid I know I am.

Its like just when you think your stable, life pushes you into the middle of the ocean and makes you guess which way you should swim in order to get to land fastest.

phhht.

to quote a conversation Nick and I had the other day, sometimes its best to pick a sunny day, drive down a swirvy road playing music, and just smile. because some moments are just that simple.

I usually dont, but these icons are soooo me.

Tue, 10 May 2005 01:01:39 GMT

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Studly the hamspter is the best boyfriend a girl could ask for.

I get a new car in 1 day.
yesssssssssss.

Crash Bandit

Sat, 07 May 2005 23:48:56 GMT

So Linda does fucked up things to her car, part 1 and 2:

1. I mess with the emergency break leading me to believe my breaks dont work, i get towed.
2. I'm involved in a hit and run in which i hit someone and they ran
car = fucked.
I might get a new (used) one instead because my car is seriously fucked.

good part: 2 free tows because Ronnie is the man. Im treating him to dinner.
I also obtained a night with marianne, bullshitting and eating and laughing, and other such things. Goodness i love marianne yes i do =)

otherwize: everything is pretty great i guess, im just wasting time before i shower and go out. and tomorrow is momma's day + John and Terry's b-day party. I went out shopping with Christina and saw her sweet new apartment, its down the blook so i can stop attacking her with "WHEN ARE YOU MOOOOOVING TO MEEEE?????" questions.

I got an A on my policy paper, an A on my policy midterm, and the privilage of never having to look at policy again.....until graduate school.

I still have: 1 paper, and 1 test.
After that I will need to obtain some hobbies because im not sure what to do in my spare time other then do school work.

well Jen = comming over, then Ronnie is pickin my butt up at 9.....so bye.

Donde Esta los Yavos?

Fri, 22 Apr 2005 03:36:36 GMT

thats right folks....where are the keys?

well people....yesterday was better, and today is much better.....and no fuckin around I feel Gooooood.

its funny how when your sad, you think its FOREVER. You think you'll never be ok....but i think if we just settle for "better" each day then gradually things will work out and we will be ok in the end.

im going on a date soon. =) he might be an asshole, or not....we'll see. im in it for the fun at this point.

Im teaching myself spanish and guitar. perhaps spanish guitar is in my future.

Marianne and I determined that studly's yogert drops were edible tonight. Oh yea, and and i won at scrabble. how do you like that?

well work for school, then bedtime.

Conversation with myself

Tue, 19 Apr 2005 00:54:48 GMT

Soooo i'm learning blackbird, and it is sooooo good to hear it.

tonights a night for ME, im trying to really start some papers, but not before doing meaningless shit like writing in my live journal.
This week has been emotional but wonderful none the less.

I think i've mentioned before that as much good stuff that happens in a week all it takes is one thing to bring you down hard.
Humanity shocks me latley. Im trying not to take it personal that people are so fucked up sometimes. its hard.
but god damn it im motivated to rise above, cuz in life the only person we really have is....well....ourselves.
so i keep trying to tell myself that i dont deserve to be shit on like i have been.
i was thinking about how hard it is to be a better person sometimes, about how sometimes i really want to scream and carry on and prove my point the jerry springer way. Sometimes i imagine me as one of those leather boot chicks who doesnt take shit from anyone and growls when shes angry. I mean its sick, i have fantasy's of really reaming people new assholes, really letting all my feelings gush out as intense as i feel them.

but to be honest....it wouldnt do anything but make that person feel shitty. and it wouldnt do anything for me that i couldnt have done in this journal entry.
and Karma's a bitch man.

so seriously.....im gonna smoke a cigarette and do my homework.

so.....coffee

Sun, 10 Apr 2005 04:51:52 GMT

So im writing my paper for Policy (which has already taken up too many hours of my time).....and decide to take a little break and go up to 7-11 and get myself some coffee.
I bump into ALLLLLLL the losers i hungout with in High School. They're all still pretty stupid, considering they still hangout at 7-11.
so.

this old fat 4 foot tall man made perverted jokes all night
I listened to RENT in the car with Tabitha and we laughed our asses off just like old times
some kid in that group was like "wanna go for a ride" and i ignored the fuck out of him

it was fun man.....well the hanging out with Tabitha part.
I feel like a grown up around all these 7-11 loiterers. But next time i want coffee ill go to starbucks where the beatnicks hangout.

I guess im pretty different now......considering.

Thu, 07 Apr 2005 03:26:16 GMT

Well its been almost 2 weeks since the scary moment of losing my relationship, and i have to say I feel pretty fucking good.

It was almost worth it to know what it feels like

to know what it feels like when someone says its going to be ok and thinking to yourself "no its not"
to know how it feels to feel so scared about the future without this person it almost gives you an anxiety attack.

but 2 weeks later, i find i bairly think about it. I find myself persuing intrests i didn't before. Reestablishing me.

Im grateful for my friends, grateful that im not in a bad place, grateful that no matter how bad it seemed 2 weeks ago, it feels a little better now. thats kind of comforting.

SOOOO!!! Finals and papers and finals and papers.
when the school year is over im going to do cartwheels down hempstead tpk. (yes...you heard it....ALL the way down the turnpike)

I did my field placement and registration today, its almost surreal to be a senior in college. Of course im only 20 years old, so its not surreal due to age, but because i feel like im heading in the direction of my career shortly and its very exiting.

So Michael Jackson....will he get sympathy from the white juror? or the black one? hmmm.
( me and my brother were pondering this over late night chatter)

gosh. gee willickers. bed time.

Holy crapo.

Wed, 30 Mar 2005 04:05:47 GMT

SO today im taking down some John stuff, trying to really clean out my room a little so I don't get sad everytime i look at my stupid walls.
SO then I start crying because this is so new to me, this whole thing. Its like ripping down my memories, my year and a half of comfort, my private jokes. Its fucking difficult. Its so hard that I was ok all day today then I just broke in half while taking down the stupid pictures.

IF keeping busy is key to recovery, then what good does it do when im alone?
IF I conviced myself i knew this was comming, then why is it so fucking hard to deal with?
IF single is such an inviting status, then why am I so resistant?

I'm a fucking mess im moments. I go to work, i go to school, i hangout with friends, i've even had a date or sorts already (which was oh so fucking weird....too soon)

My problem is that i want to recover and be fine NOW. I want to just be ok, stop being sad, stop pitying myself, stop focusing so much on all the kisses and the fun times, and remember instead how many new memories there are to form, and how many more kisses will be recieved. Im fucking 20 years old.

I constantly teater between pretty damn good....and seriously fucked up.

so conclusion is: its been 3 days, calm the fuck down because being ok is going to be a journey not a destination.

Snow sucks the almighty ballsack.

Sat, 22 Jan 2005 19:58:56 GMT

i've now been stuck in my house for a half an hour....and already i've been:
pissed off
sad
frustrated
scared
annoyed
and exausted.

somebody help. because cabin fever is not who I am.

Silly people of the North

Fri, 21 Jan 2005 14:44:06 GMT

Dam nit. Theres a blizzard a commin, and honestly, I don't think i care. Unfortunatley, it will occur the only day i have off. But STILL....I don't care.

I love my classes. I'm feeling much better because i come home and ramble on for hours about things, and active discussions and etc all due to my brain being schooled again. Yesterday was so insane. I went to class from 9-3, then to the gym for an hour, then sushi, then back to class till 9:30.
It was all worth it because my HIV and AIDS class is fucking amazing.....

INTERESTING FACT LEARNED: it taught me yesterday that "grandpa watch out" because AIDS if huge in FL, mostly due to viagra and the old timers belief that AIDS is "the gay disease".

Just a little interesting fact for you.

I totally enjoy my new human behavior teacher, shes a student like us, and is NOT packing on the work, like we were nervous about.

I'm in a group for research with icky icky rebecca. Which is really very sad. My real problem is the WORK. Im concened about people in my group doing THE WORK. If I fail because everyone else sucks, hell will be raised.

Im eating oatmeal and it tastes better then what you are eating.

no seriously.....you WISH you had this oatmeal.

Fuck the Winter.

Tue, 18 Jan 2005 02:10:13 GMT

I never write anymore. I think i write that everytime I write in here.

I have to potty it up but my damn brother is in the bathroom showering. I hate the winter by the way.
Even when its sunny out it sucks. Because you cant do anything except watch movies and bitch about how cold it is.

I don't feel myself. Yesterday my friends were like "oh you got it together more then anyone we know, between school and having a good job and a boyfriend blardy blar." It all means shit if you dont feel good about yourself though. SO i guess things aren't like they seem on the surface. Just because of all the material bullshit doesnt mean im the happiest little cantilope in the bunch.
I don't know if its winter, or I feel bad for not keeping in touch as good as I could with people, or maybe im just insecure and needy and maybe im over reacting. Maybe I wish i felt sparky, like you know, when you feel witty and ready to take on the world with your PMA =)

I donno mang. I think i need to go back to school and get over myself.

When Republicans Ran the Earth

Fri, 05 Nov 2004 16:38:09 GMT

So. Bush won. I'm really dissapointed in America. It makes me kind of sick to think what the next 4 years will be like. OF course the battle for rights begins here so im not moving to canada. woot woot.

but for now its really sickening.
:::::barfs on self:::::

=)

Tue, 02 Nov 2004 06:46:11 GMT

My friends are fucking awesome with their cold stones and their presents and their "ohhhhh happy birthday ohhhh"
i feel like crapola bodily....but emotionally its been a damn good b-day mo-fops.

Im going to go and sleep with the troll john got me.

woot woot

Sun, 31 Oct 2004 22:25:28 GMT

2 rocky horror costumes, a wig, and make-up = $20
Having elbow sex with John in the city on my birthday = Priceless.